Brave girl, never settle again.
The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of him, but I couldn’t help it.
I was hurting on the inside badly and as much as I tried to control it — I just couldn’t.
“I’m not mad at you” I said, biting my bottom lip as tears stung my cheeks. “I’m mad at myself.”
He inched closer to me, taking my hand in his. His touch sent jolts of both good and bad feelings through out my body, and a rush of images through my mind — what we could have been, what we used to be, who he was to me, who I wanted him to be for me, what I always imaginedwe were going to be…together — and the reality of what we were and weren’t hit me.
I yanked my hand free and let it fall to my side. “Stop” … the word barely audible to my own ears.
“Just stop” I said with a little more confidence.
I felt him staring at me, aware that he didn’t know what to say, and honestly, I don’t think I really expected him to have anything to say.
He always kept himself hidden well that way.
But here I was, my hair as wild as a lions mane, eyes swollen and pouring rivers of all the words I could never say, I was trying and failing to keep myself upright…when all I wanted to do was curl up into a little ball and try to scream the hurt away.
It was a thousand shattered pieces cutting right through my soul, I wasn’t sure I would ever survive.
I was a fucking mess.
After what felt like forever — silence from the both of us… the only thing audible was his heart beat synced with mine, a thousand beats per second.
I managed to find what was left of my voice, and I spoke my truth “I love you..and I’m mad at myself for believing this whole time that my love for you would be enough to carry us through..”
but oh my love it wasn’t.